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I’m sitting, staring at the opposite wall of my physiotherapist’s treatment room. In my mind, I'm playing with the shapes of the calligraphy on a certificate mounted there. With the information presented to me I realise that this is where it ends, this is the moment the burning desire within me to compete at the Olympic Games is snuffed out. 

A whole lot of radio silence is all that this blog has experienced for almost seven months. Here's a brief catch up. 

The homuncular refreshment from the previous blog post was promising for a while until the increases in muscle function slowed. Months later, the next step was another in-depth investigation by my physiotherapist of what was actually not working properly and why. The result was a fascinating and specific clinical explanation of what was wrong. The anatomical and physiological theory behind 'why' and 'how' is quite complicated, if anybody wants to know more feel free to contact me and I’d be happy to elaborate. Basically, the lower portion of my left gluteus maximus muscle (the big fleshy bum muscle that produces a lot of the power during a rowing stroke) had lost a lot of it's bulk and was much weaker than my right one. In what was a last ditch attempt to save my elite rowing career I was prescribed some very specific exercises to complete in the gym to regain the strength and muscle bulk I had lost in that area. Alas, eight weeks down the track even though some basic testing showed an increase in strength, the amount of increase in muscle bulk was much less than expected and there was an increase in size of the muscles that have been compensating.

So, as time goes on there is more and more evidence that my 'exploding' disc has done permanent damage to some of my nerves. I need the muscle/s these nerves supply to complete an elite level training load without causing further damage to structures in my lower back. Plain and simple.

As I have been coming to terms with what is happening the old 90s television commercial above popped into my head. I think it simplistically sums up the situation with some much-needed humour.

The constant thought that "just giving up on the fight is the easy way out" has kept me going until now. In the end, the decision to stop has really been made for me by my body. However, it has been a hard fight and hard fights take their toll. This is why, even though part of me is devastated, there is a part of me that is relieved that I don't have to fight anymore. 

I look back on my time rowing at an elite level and come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it any differently. Behind my constant overthinking is the person that I am: just doggedly determined to succeed no matter the challenge. However, I am living proof that determination and hard work is not all you need in elite sport. I now need to find something else to satisfy this part of my personality. 

A heartfelt thank you to all that have supported me and have ridden this rollercoaster with me. To those that have doubted me (including myself), at least you can't say I didn't try. After all, I was just fighting to continue to do something I was good at and enjoyed while chasing a dream.

In the words of world champion surfer Mark Occhilupo, “thanks very much – and thanks”.

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Homuncular Refreshment

I'm walking around my garage in a rowing suit slapping my bum and poking it with a fork. Thank god no one can see me or they might think I have some sort of perversion. It might sound weird but this is what I'm currently doing for my rehabilitation and it’s called homuncular refreshment.

As I mentioned in my last blog post I am facing a motor control issue and searching for something to help 'wake up' my left glute. Thankfully I have an amazing physiotherapist who continues to provide support and think about possible solutions. Together we have determined that the part of my brain that is responsible for constructing sensation is not communicating well with the main part of my brain that is responsible for activating my muscles. This is due to the fact that I lost feeling in the upper part of the back of my left thigh and the lower part of my left butt cheek when my disc 'exploded'. Considering sensation is most commonly the last thing to return after an injury involving nerve compression like mine, it makes sense to help it along with a bit of a slap and a poke. 

"But why is it called homuncular refreshment"? To answer this we must first answer the question: "what is a homunculus”? I have included a photo of the ugly little fella (this image is sourced from the fantastic book Explain Pain, a good read). A sensory homunculus is a human-like figure that takes the proportion of how parts of the body are represented in the area of the brain responsible for constructing sensation and as you can see the parts that are more sensitive are bigger and vice versa. When exposed to pain or loss of sensation the portion of this area of the brain that represents the affected body part can become 'smudged'. This smudging can change how and/or when you feel things from that body part and it can also affect motor control. With the extra sensory input from my hand and fork the smudged portion in my brain becomes better defined and therefore 'refreshed'.

I do this 'bum-slappy-dance' before almost all of my sessions at the moment. I’m currently doing a mixture of erg, Wattbike and strength work but still nothing of any significant duration. However, most importantly, I think IT'S WORKING! 

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I'm Stuck

I need to come up with a word other than frustrating to describe how my rehab is going. People keep asking, which is nice, but I'm getting sick of sounding like a broken record. Let's see what Google can come up with then. Annoying? Baffling? Depressing even?

The last time I posted anything on here was in October after I had just completed my first on water rowing session since my back surgery. This was followed by some really promising progression into November where both on and off water sessions were slowly stepping in the right direction. Unfortunately by late December it was all unraveling as the ‘breakthrough’ that was mentioned in a previous post essentially wore off.

It’s kind of complicated. I'm facing a motor control issue here, I’m trying to get my brain to know that it’s OK to use the muscles around my left hip again. I’ll try and give a brief explanation. When you have pain or tissue damage some muscles turn off, in fact they are actively inhibited by the brain. Even after the tissue damage is repaired the muscle inhibition can remain, even to the detriment of quality of movement. In my case I have had quite severe pressure on the spinal nerve supplying some of these muscles and also pain in the area that was referred from my back. So it’s like a quest to find a magical something to wake the dragon in my butt cheek. Yes, I said dragon in my butt cheek.

Just after Christmas I basically gave up. For a week and a half I did nothing. This was the first time during any of my injury rehab experiences that I was completely over it, I'd had enough. However, I realised there was no way I could be comfortable with that decision. It’s just not how I tick, actually I think the 'never give up' mentality is common amongst elite athletes. So when I returned to my physiotherapist after this mental wobble and she gave me the choice between having some time off to forget about it for a while or a slap in the face and getting on with it of course I took the slap in the face. I’ve discussed in previous posts about not wanting to do permanent damage and until I am given a sign that I am at risk of doing so then I will keep trying and trying and trying.  

So, what am I actually doing now? Why the title ‘I’m Stuck’? Amongst the ten days of giving up and the quest for the butt cheek dragon I haven’t been able to progress my rehab. For many weeks I’ve been stuck at a level a lot lower than where I was at coming into December. Any athlete wants to keep seeing improvement in themselves by sticking to a process and trying their hardest, when this doesn’t happen it is very frustrating, annoying, baffling and depressing.

In the coming weeks I will hopefully see some improvement. If I do, I promise I’ll let you know and not wait a whole three and a half months to blog about it.

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Short and Sweet

Today I went for a row and it was good. Thumbs up, high five, etc.

The hardest thing now is staying patient. Good thing I have had a bit of practice. 

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BREAKTHROUGH

I'm lying on the treatment bed and my physio is still not happy with my ranges of motion, more specifically my hip flexion and straight leg raise. She then instructs me to do two of the exercises I had worked hard on while training prior to my current injury. I get back on the bed and suddenly I have the ranges of motion to row. Wow, breakthrough.

This was three weeks ago. The reason I haven't blogged about it yet probably has something to do with my last blog post. Since then I have progressed from two minutes on the erg to fifteen and I have just been given the go ahead to go for a row. Yes, a row. In a boat. On water. Smiley face.

"How?", you may ask. Well, a lot of it has to do with the large amount of rehab I have already done for my lower back in the past. To already have quality movement sequencing of my hip and trunk for rowing prior to the surgery has been vital. However, to tap into those movement patterns in my brain to facilitate such a large change in muscle recruitment is physiotherapy rehabilitation gold. Pain and its affect on movement at a higher neurological level is a bit of a passion of mine and could be a career path for me post rowing. 

The only things that will stop me rowing next week are the weather or this pesky middle ear infection that I currently have the joy of experiencing. It’s the first one I've ever had and it makes balancing fun. As I said on the 'about' page, when it rains it pours.

Anyway, if I get to row I'll let you know how I go.

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Movement At The Station

Walking has become my main form of physical activity. I'm discovering new areas around my neighborhood that I've never seen before, that's a plus. I'm also back on an indoor bike called a Wattbike every second day for short periods and I start swimming tomorrow, more pluses. There's movement at the station and everything is progressing. Why do I, at times, struggle to see the positives of my situation then?

It has been a few weeks since my last post so I have already lapsed on my 'at least one post per week' comment. I have had ideas for posts but I haven't got around to writing one. But it's not like I've been busy. 

This sort of behaviour may sound familiar to some of you, whether you've seen it from others or from yourself. I refer back to the 'about' page, where I mentioned that after so many injury disruptions to my training, in 2013, I had to add the 'muscle' between by ears to the rehab list. I honestly don't think mental health issues should be a taboo topic. Especially since almost half of all Australians will experience a mental illness sometime in their life according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics. Also, I think a lot of people would be surprised at the level of mental illness in the elite athlete population. The same mentality that allows us to achieve can also bring us down.

I knew this was coming, it has characterised this stage in my last few rehabs. When things progress slowly and the weeks go past far too quickly. Generally it's your own expectations that get in the way and the word 'patience' gets thrown around a lot. There's still no denying that not being able to do what you thought you would be able to do at a given time makes you feel like crap and the behaviour that follows is not very constructive. Even though I have experienced multiple injury rehabs.

My expectations were in line with what I wanted to do for this coming rowing season. Of course, after a stronger 2014/2015 season I wanted see how close I could get to the Olympic team heading to Rio next year. This was realistic if my surgery had gone completely to plan and it had been a stock standard microdiscectomy. Unfortunately it wasn't, and now I am experiencing the delays caused by the amount of damage that had occurred to my bottom disc. The result? A confirmation this week from my physiotherapist that even though I may return to competition this year I will not be competitive enough to be anywhere near making the Olympic team in any capacity due to the lost training time. It's a bit hard to swallow missing another Australian Olympic Team. That's the reality.

What was harder to swallow was the other news I was told this week.

Physio: "What is different about this rehab when compared to the others you have already been through is even if you do everything right you may not return to competitive rowing this time." 

Me: *Silence*

I have always said that I will try my hardest to make an Olympic team until Tokyo 2020. They say that youth is wasted on the young. Youth will not be wasted on me. If I don't make it to Tokyo then that is where I need to stop and reassess. The only reason that I will not push all the way to 2020 is if continuing the journey would mean permanent damage to my health. As I have mentioned previously, quality of life comes first. I need to remain physically active and I need to be able to play with my children and my grandchildren as the years pass. Priorities people.

The weeks ahead involve the simple progression of what I'm already doing. Getting on the rowing machine or 'erg' is on the horizon somewhere, but there's still quite a distance to walk.

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LOUD NOISES

If you've ever had an MRI scan you'll know what the title of this post is referring to. If you haven't, they're a noisy place to spend 20 or so minutes. The big machine that you're laying in or through makes all sorts of sounds and vibrations as it aligns and excites hydrogen atoms in your body and receives the radio signals they emit. The result, a better understanding of what's going on inside.

I had another MRI scan on Wednesday. Why? Because the gluteal, leg and foot symptoms that I had experienced prior to my back surgery had returned. Over the past week or so as my surgical wound pain cleared my left foot went a little more numb and my left gluteal started to hurt again when I used it to stand up, etc. I was confused. I hadn't done anything wrong. Why was I getting pain again? Understandably, I was worried. I organised to see the surgeon and he ordered the MRI. 

It's ok. It's just a lot of post-op swelling around the nerve. Phew.

This was the forth MRI scan that I've had. The last two have been in fairly quick succession with the previous one to this occurring in early July while in Korea. The difference between the two experiences was quite remarkable. The main difference being the Australian scan was more comfortable.

The photo above is the actual machine that I had my scan in on Wednesday. They set me up on my back in a comfortable position with a chock underneath my knees to reduce the arch in my lower spine. They gave me ear plugs and headphones with my choice of music to distract me from the noise and even something to squeeze if I wanted to stop. In Korea they gave me dodgy ear plugs, told me to lay on my back and not to move. At the time anything that put me into lumbar extension (arching the lower back) was quite uncomfortable. Without any support under my knees lying on my back did exactly that. I kept calm in there and came out wet with sweat. It was a pretty horrible experience and now that I've had another scan at home it makes me appreciate the Australian health system.

This weekend the World Rowing Championships get underway in Aiguebelette, France. It's going to be great to see Australia take on the rest of the world to not only vie for podium positions but also qualify the country for the Olympic Games in the respective boat classes. If any of the Australian Rowing Team are reading this I wish you all the best and a special shout out to the guys in the heavyweight quad who I trained along side during their domestic preparation. The usual pre-race passing comment in the boat park, "have a good one".

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