BUGGER

I’m sitting, staring at the opposite wall of my physiotherapist’s treatment room. In my mind, I'm playing with the shapes of the calligraphy on a certificate mounted there. With the information presented to me I realise that this is where it ends, this is the moment the burning desire within me to compete at the Olympic Games is snuffed out. 

A whole lot of radio silence is all that this blog has experienced for almost seven months. Here's a brief catch up. 

The homuncular refreshment from the previous blog post was promising for a while until the increases in muscle function slowed. Months later, the next step was another in-depth investigation by my physiotherapist of what was actually not working properly and why. The result was a fascinating and specific clinical explanation of what was wrong. The anatomical and physiological theory behind 'why' and 'how' is quite complicated, if anybody wants to know more feel free to contact me and I’d be happy to elaborate. Basically, the lower portion of my left gluteus maximus muscle (the big fleshy bum muscle that produces a lot of the power during a rowing stroke) had lost a lot of it's bulk and was much weaker than my right one. In what was a last ditch attempt to save my elite rowing career I was prescribed some very specific exercises to complete in the gym to regain the strength and muscle bulk I had lost in that area. Alas, eight weeks down the track even though some basic testing showed an increase in strength, the amount of increase in muscle bulk was much less than expected and there was an increase in size of the muscles that have been compensating.

So, as time goes on there is more and more evidence that my 'exploding' disc has done permanent damage to some of my nerves. I need the muscle/s these nerves supply to complete an elite level training load without causing further damage to structures in my lower back. Plain and simple.

As I have been coming to terms with what is happening the old 90s television commercial above popped into my head. I think it simplistically sums up the situation with some much-needed humour.

The constant thought that "just giving up on the fight is the easy way out" has kept me going until now. In the end, the decision to stop has really been made for me by my body. However, it has been a hard fight and hard fights take their toll. This is why, even though part of me is devastated, there is a part of me that is relieved that I don't have to fight anymore. 

I look back on my time rowing at an elite level and come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it any differently. Behind my constant overthinking is the person that I am: just doggedly determined to succeed no matter the challenge. However, I am living proof that determination and hard work is not all you need in elite sport. I now need to find something else to satisfy this part of my personality. 

A heartfelt thank you to all that have supported me and have ridden this rollercoaster with me. To those that have doubted me (including myself), at least you can't say I didn't try. After all, I was just fighting to continue to do something I was good at and enjoyed while chasing a dream.

In the words of world champion surfer Mark Occhilupo, “thanks very much – and thanks”.

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Homuncular Refreshment

I'm walking around my garage in a rowing suit slapping my bum and poking it with a fork. Thank god no one can see me or they might think I have some sort of perversion. It might sound weird but this is what I'm currently doing for my rehabilitation and it’s called homuncular refreshment.

As I mentioned in my last blog post I am facing a motor control issue and searching for something to help 'wake up' my left glute. Thankfully I have an amazing physiotherapist who continues to provide support and think about possible solutions. Together we have determined that the part of my brain that is responsible for constructing sensation is not communicating well with the main part of my brain that is responsible for activating my muscles. This is due to the fact that I lost feeling in the upper part of the back of my left thigh and the lower part of my left butt cheek when my disc 'exploded'. Considering sensation is most commonly the last thing to return after an injury involving nerve compression like mine, it makes sense to help it along with a bit of a slap and a poke. 

"But why is it called homuncular refreshment"? To answer this we must first answer the question: "what is a homunculus”? I have included a photo of the ugly little fella (this image is sourced from the fantastic book Explain Pain, a good read). A sensory homunculus is a human-like figure that takes the proportion of how parts of the body are represented in the area of the brain responsible for constructing sensation and as you can see the parts that are more sensitive are bigger and vice versa. When exposed to pain or loss of sensation the portion of this area of the brain that represents the affected body part can become 'smudged'. This smudging can change how and/or when you feel things from that body part and it can also affect motor control. With the extra sensory input from my hand and fork the smudged portion in my brain becomes better defined and therefore 'refreshed'.

I do this 'bum-slappy-dance' before almost all of my sessions at the moment. I’m currently doing a mixture of erg, Wattbike and strength work but still nothing of any significant duration. However, most importantly, I think IT'S WORKING! 

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I'm Stuck

I need to come up with a word other than frustrating to describe how my rehab is going. People keep asking, which is nice, but I'm getting sick of sounding like a broken record. Let's see what Google can come up with then. Annoying? Baffling? Depressing even?

The last time I posted anything on here was in October after I had just completed my first on water rowing session since my back surgery. This was followed by some really promising progression into November where both on and off water sessions were slowly stepping in the right direction. Unfortunately by late December it was all unraveling as the ‘breakthrough’ that was mentioned in a previous post essentially wore off.

It’s kind of complicated. I'm facing a motor control issue here, I’m trying to get my brain to know that it’s OK to use the muscles around my left hip again. I’ll try and give a brief explanation. When you have pain or tissue damage some muscles turn off, in fact they are actively inhibited by the brain. Even after the tissue damage is repaired the muscle inhibition can remain, even to the detriment of quality of movement. In my case I have had quite severe pressure on the spinal nerve supplying some of these muscles and also pain in the area that was referred from my back. So it’s like a quest to find a magical something to wake the dragon in my butt cheek. Yes, I said dragon in my butt cheek.

Just after Christmas I basically gave up. For a week and a half I did nothing. This was the first time during any of my injury rehab experiences that I was completely over it, I'd had enough. However, I realised there was no way I could be comfortable with that decision. It’s just not how I tick, actually I think the 'never give up' mentality is common amongst elite athletes. So when I returned to my physiotherapist after this mental wobble and she gave me the choice between having some time off to forget about it for a while or a slap in the face and getting on with it of course I took the slap in the face. I’ve discussed in previous posts about not wanting to do permanent damage and until I am given a sign that I am at risk of doing so then I will keep trying and trying and trying.  

So, what am I actually doing now? Why the title ‘I’m Stuck’? Amongst the ten days of giving up and the quest for the butt cheek dragon I haven’t been able to progress my rehab. For many weeks I’ve been stuck at a level a lot lower than where I was at coming into December. Any athlete wants to keep seeing improvement in themselves by sticking to a process and trying their hardest, when this doesn’t happen it is very frustrating, annoying, baffling and depressing.

In the coming weeks I will hopefully see some improvement. If I do, I promise I’ll let you know and not wait a whole three and a half months to blog about it.

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